Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with a lender. When I found out that an item had been sitting in their file for nearly a week with issues, without anyone telling us, I was (I hope understandably) livid. He indicated that he felt I was attacking him, and that I was misdirecting my anger at him (even though he read back to me a note in the file that I had requested to be kept updated as soon as it came in). Ultimately, when I said “I don’t need to know that it wasn’t your job, I need to know how we can fix this”, he said “Don’t do that to me”.
Thinking back on it, his attitude is odder and odder to me. I do believe that the ball was dropped, and I do believe that my need – to hear how it happened and how we can solve the problem – isn’t out of line. But, it also reveals MY attitude. How do I express frustration without attacking? Did I attack him? What is the appropriate response when your “buttons” are pushed? As long as I’m searching for answers – why did the item have issues? And, why is it so important to me to have someone apologize when they drop the ball. Several weeks ago, my priest told me to expect more from God and less from other people. Was I following his advice in this situation?
One of my favorite morning prayers reads:
O Lord, grant me strength to meet with serenity everything forthcoming today. Grant me to submit completely to Thy holy will. At every hour of this day guide and support me in all things. Whatsoever news may reach me in the course of this day, teach me to accept it with calmness and the conviction that all is subject to Thy holy will.
In all my words and actions direct my thoughts and feelings. In all unexpected occurances, do not let me forget that all is sent down by Thee. Teach me to deal straightforwardly and wisely with every member of my family, neither embarassing nor saddening anyone.
O Lord, grant me strength to endure the fatigue of the coming day and all the events that take place during it. Direct my will and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to be patient, to forgive and to love. Amen
It gives me a lot to think about. And, a visible reminder of when I miss the mark.
ETA - I should clarify that I didn't feel that I was out of line, angry or attacking. I also was shaking like a leaf and near tears.
posted by Mimi @ 6/22/2006 02:29:00 PM
12 Comments
12 Comments:
That is a great prayer- and I've had many of that type of situation too- where I know I've been "wronged" and something needs to be done, but where I haven't quite done the right thing. We are all in need of much Grace!
Rebeca
Ok speaking from someone who has the same job as you. My goodness is that annoying! We have one going on where the Buyers lender has been saying that he will have loan docs "tomorrow" since last thursday! And people says Realtors are sneaky!
Nice prayer. But alas sometimes you just want to know why and how it could have been diffrent.
Working with the public as I do, sometimes I just want to reach out and strangle people. I'm told I'm laid back and let things roll off me, but sometimes I get so frustrated.
I good quick walk helps me gain prespective. So many times we feel we are sooo right and after thinking about it realize the other party thinks the same thing.
Good prayer.
As a priest told me once, "they all get their due reward!!"
I just don't know if expecting less of people is the right thing to do. I think maybe not being quite so wrapped up in the result is good. But I think our expectations really determine our actions toward others. If we don't expect very much of them, it shows. If this is someone you need to rely on to get your job done, I think you have a right to expect more of him.
And I know it is frustrating to not get an apology when a wrong was obviously done! Or at least an acknowledgment of the problem. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. We women are usually the ones to be questioning ourselves unduly, and are also on the end of "well, she's just too emotional to handle it." I would have been upset too, maybe to the point of tears.
Hang in there! I hope you find someway of being able to work with this person.
That "prayer of the Optina Elders" (I believe that is) is powerful, especially the last lines. After Lent I read that every morning in place of St. Ephraim's Prayer.
I can't really know if you overreacted, but in a few days you'll know and do the appropriate thing.
expect more from God and less from other people.
I like that.
I don't know if you over-reacted or not, sometimes it takes a little time to gain the perspective to be able to answer that question for ourselves. I know that I have been in similar situations, though not dealing with loans, and have always kind of wondered if I had.
One thing I DO know, is that it seems that in recent years there seems to be a rise in the number of customer service people (in any field) that seems to take any question from a customer that is meant to get to the root of a problem as a personal attack. I've even been hung up on when asking for a manager because it's become apparent the person cannot (or won't) help me with my question.
I don't know what is at the root of all of this, but I agree that the morning prayer you mentioned is beautiful, and it pretty much nails it.
his response is odd... and makes me think that he was acting a bit guilty.
Mimi, I have that prayer on my sidebar at my blog ~ primarily so I can remember to say it frequently. I highlighted my favorite parts. It is a slightly different translation, but definatley the same prayer.
Didn't sound like an attack to me, sounded like a guy who didn't own up to messing up. I see this all the time with lenders here, they are so shmoozy here they just try to gloss things over like crazy.
Drives me mad!
that lender sounds like he needs some therapy of his own.
Thank you for your comments, hugs, prayers and thoughts on this issue. An update, the item wasn’t changed, and the buyer is not proceeding with the purchase of the home.
Meg - We have one going on where the Buyers lender has been saying that he will have loan docs "tomorrow" since last thursday! We ALSO went through that last week – it took nearly a week for the documents to arrive, and then three days for funding after signing. GRRRRRR. Unfortunately on this one, we never even got to the document drawing stage.
Susan - So many times we feel we are sooo right and after thinking about it realize the other party thinks the same thing. I totally understand this. And, I also understand your desire sometimes to reach through the phone…
Tom - I can't really know if you overreacted, but in a few days you'll know and do the appropriate thing Thank you.
Renee - Mimi, I have that prayer on my sidebar at my blog ~ primarily so I can remember to say it frequently What was interesting to me is I’ve always heard it as the Prayer of the Optima Elders, but my little pocket prayer book calls it a prayer of Metropolitan Philaret of Moscow, and your citation is St. John of Kronstadt. Whoever wrote it, it is one I need to pray every morning.
Grace - It would be great to get an answer from all us objective commenters, wouldn't it? So true!
Simone - I see this all the time with lenders here, they are so shmoozy here they just try to gloss things over like crazy I agree. Good lenders are GREAT and bad lenders are *so* bad. Sigh.
Luz - It's increasingly harder to express oneself honestly and yet non-offensively because objective standards and old formalities are being lost daily and *everyone* takes everything personally Yes, unfortunately.
Victoria - that lender sounds like he needs some therapy of his own This made me LOL, thanks for the grin
And, lastly, dear Nancy – of course you have my prayers.
And, Rebeca I've had many of that type of situation too- where I know I've been "wronged" and something needs to be done, but where I haven't quite done the right thing. We are all in need of much Grace
A hearty AMEN!
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